What's New, Pussycat?

Lately, I’ve been in a real funk. I’ve been in a CAM Walker since May 12 and on crutches for about 2 months. Because the VA is dedicated to treating veterans like second-rate citizens, there is no end in sight to my pain. When I previously had surgery for my condition, I went from initial diagnosis, second opinion to surgery in less than a month. This was through my private insurance because I was not aware that I could be seen through the VA. I was told after my deployment that my tendinitis was permanent and that nothing could be done. I was given no help from the military about this and I eventually tore my tendon and made my arch fall, which prompted the first surgery.

Now, 5 years after the initial surgery, I am having another bad flare-up. My arch fell again and I am in need of another surgery. 

I have been paitient. I have tried all of the medications…I am so sick of being medicated that I would rather deal with the pain instead being on narcotics for an indefinite period of time.

I also live with depression. Those chronic pain and depression are like a one-two punch. There are days that I can’t be assed to even take a shower because I feel so defeated and tired. I can’t go to school, no one will hire a girl on crutches (seriously…in this market? No one.) The little work that I do (I help my friend at her boutique), I am in so much pain when I get home that I don’t want to do anything. I force myself out sometimes because it’s not good for me to sit at home by myself and cry about my situation. 

I’ve been in bed since Sunday. I did go to the store yesterday and I went to talk to my therapist today about my issues and she did help me make progress with disability and has hopefully ruffled enough feathers to get the ball rolling on surgery.

So, this is what is going on. I’m basically a mess and I am trying to keep it together. It’s very hard for me to say these things and it’s even harder for me to ask for help with anything. But I am trying.